Open letter to the Commissioner of Police

PRE-ACTION PROTOCOL: Private prosecution for perverting the course of justice and hence putting my safety at risk.

Dear Mr RamperSad

You look rather melancholy in your photo on page 8 of the Police Magazine 2010. Were you depressed? I am sorry to say that this letter is unlikely to cheer your spirits much, so I have included one or two puns to help us both see the lighter side of this otherwise very sombre situation. It is indeed sad that circumstances have led me to the point of privately prosecuting you. However, once you are made aware of what has happened I am confident that you will empathise with my anguish and comply with my requests.